So I Walk

So I walk . . .

At soon to be 45, if you can call July soon, I am in the middle period where I seem to sway back and forth along a tightrope trying to decided which way to proceed. Of course, there is no choice, but, at times, I still fool myself, just not for long. So, I have to be honest. At almost 45, given that men die sooner than woman and that I really don’t have a great desire, at the moment, to see 80+, I have maybe 25 to 30 years left in this life, barring some unforeseen incident or health issue. And that pure, concise thought settles it for me. The “it” being the desire to waver or consider for too long a course of action. It is clarifying. And I am thankful for the realization. You know, “thanks God for reminding me that it will end.” So often I, we, work really hard to avoid our eyes on that real truth (i.e. the graveyard scene in “Our Town.”) It won’t last – nothing we build, create or claim will hold. The atoms and molecules will lose energy. And we’ll sleep.

I’m not one of those pretends to know what happens after death. You know, that’s an issue of faith. But so is living. At my best, I have learned to surrender to God everything I hold dear – my writing and creative efforts (yes, I list that first and people who know me will understand. And, yes, that is terribly f’ed up), relationships and family (I will blog on family at some point. Could be it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.) and the wants in life (name your toys and ambitions). At my best, none of it matters, I surrender it all and allow God work his miracles. I allow his will to be made manifest in me (and I never claim to understand divine will) and open up to having fellowship with others, being accepting and often loving (despite what some folks claim.) At my worst, I am just the same as any man or woman living in this time – worried, anxious, obsessed with self and status, need, desire and attempting to frame life in a way so I can create a belief that I have some control. I have none. It’s a fallacy. I am completely vulnerable all the time despite the protest of my ego and various means of self-defense. But the comfort, for me, is found in the grace of God. The mercy that says “I love you anyway.” And, “ no, you don’t deserve it, I give it as a gift. Trust me.”

Yes, I am a Christian. Although probably on the liberal side of the aisle, and I don’t pretend to know the only way to God. Others, I’m sure, find the same grace by different means. But one thing I feel to be true is that grace doesn’t care how you arrive. Grace and mercy are just glad to have you home.

This blog will be a place to help me along in that journey, and, maybe, help others in their walk. And that matters. The togetherness part. That although we are, by the seeming function of the world, forced to take the walk alone, and yet, the richness in life is found together – bouncing along the same taut wire, somehow managing, by grace, to make our way.